人是群體的動物,不能孤單太久.前一陣,跟爸爸提到覺得有點寂寞,他叫我多做運動,多看書,寂寞也會習慣.當下的感覺,像是年輕的時候問媽媽,"怎樣才有自信?",因為我媽是個很有自信的人,也不知道哪裡來的,絕對不是來自家人(我自己有深刻經驗),她居然叫我多培養興趣,多看書,成績好一點,就會有自信.後來明白,多興趣,成績好一點,可能會幫助自信,但在我們家,要有自信要有朋友,因為我父母的交友不廣,也很被動.
回到寂寞,我承認我是一個不甘寂寞的人,但要我宅,我還是可以宅的很怡然自得,ok,也許不是怡然自得,但可以過的去....
直到上個禮拜我才赫然明白,我爸說的不是建議,而是他活生生在過的日子,來加國幾年,我爸就過了幾年一個人的日子,快二十年了吧,雖然他沉默寡言,平常我們也很少聯絡,但他上一次因為奶奶住院,從醫院打來電話的那一次之後,發現他真的很寂寞,想一想很替他難過,人一輩子有幾個二十年,一個不開心的婚姻,兩個小孩,有工作的時候還可以加班度過,現在退休後,兒子也只有一年看他幾天.
記得年輕的時候,我還說過要把他接過來退休,他也只有一笑.我現在卡在這裡,說什麼接他過來? 記得年輕的時候,說要買敞篷車載奶奶兜風...
也許是看的人覺得寂寞,當事人不寂寞,但我不想和他們一樣,我不甘寂寞,但我想幸福,不能為消除寂寞而換來不幸福...
12 comments:
James- this really struck a chord with me... this is also something I've been reflecting on, the human fear of isolation. I think most of us go through it, but we all hide it very well because we're socialized to do so.
I, too, come from a family in which everyone is in their own loneliness. I'm also actually really shy, which makes it all the worse.
Don't worry, you're not alone.
If you ever want to talk, just drop me an email :) I'd love to catch up with you.
PS: Stop saying "年輕的時候" because you are still young, silly boy!
根據羅醫師的診斷，感覺上是你想結婚了.......
根據羅醫師的診斷，你是想結婚了........
Noodle, that is so nice of you! I think Japan is treating you well, but you must miss home, no?
應該是巴,很想昏吧,但這症狀已經有幾年嘍...
Yes, Japan has been wonderful for me :)
No, I don't miss home at all, I haven't missed it for a moment. I came to the conclusion awhile ago that perhaps Vancouver just isn't the right place for me, at least not right now. I've wanted out for years, I just didn't know it. I was completely miserable in Vancouver.
It's only since I've been here, away from everything I grew up with, that I've been able to question a lot of my values and ideas about life.
If only everything wasn't so bloody expensive in Tokyo... :P (An apple can be up to $7 each, depending on season and type!!!)
Im chewing a $.99 apple as I am typing this. :) Glad to hear you are enjoying your time there... btw, isn't your bday coming up?
那是不是到最後人都會得到憂鬱症
幹麻這樣想沒那麼慘吧...
Haha, I'm always amazed that you remember my birthday! Did you tattoo it on your wrist or something? :D
99 cent apples, unthinkable!
很少來, 沒想到你有很多很好的文章, 文筆很好嘛 ^^
"有關寂寞".. hits me really hard..
有空多來哦~
If you can live like 賴聲川's 《那一夜》《記性與忘性》的 "第二大類", you will live happily ever after, but others around you may suffer from your happiness.....那你可能就是別人眼中的"黑白郎君"了......
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