剛收到一封久未見面國中摯友的來信，他說下個月要結婚了，要我跨海祝福他。當然，收到他的信並不奇怪，只是身邊的朋友好像都悄悄的結了婚…
從去年六月到今年六月，我一共參加了四次婚禮，當了三次主持，一次男儐相，得到一次新娘的吊帶，感覺像作夢，作了一次又一次的夢，朋友們都悄悄的往人生的下一步走…
我曾經是個婚姻的逃兵，有很想嫁給我的女生，但我還太年輕，太害怕婚姻。我總覺得，現代人對婚姻很隨便，好聚好散，我不相信自己，也不敢相信別人對婚姻有多認真…
我要求自己花時間去了解自己，害怕的原因到底在哪? 我積極參與朋友們的婚禮，和準新人們一起計畫流程，和新郎去買新表、拿禮服… 發現兩人的溝通有多麼重要，一個婚禮，一個婚姻並不只兩個人的結合，而是兩個家庭的結合。許多口角，許多爭執，可以不是有關兩人，但會延伸到兩人的家庭背景、兩個人的價值觀、兩個人教育子女的方式… 我深深相信，一個婚禮幹麼辦的那麼隆重，那麼多習俗，那麼多人，做麼多事，又吃飯，又迎娶，又鬧洞房… 為的只是有一天，可能是多年後，可能是幾個月後，兩口子鬧得不開心，還可以回想當年為了在一起，花了多少力氣，有什麼事不能溝通?
慢慢的，我也受到了感染，朋友的開心，婚禮的歡樂，尤其是每次主持後才發現自己是一個人，該死的…還是一個人…
想有個牽掛的同時，也開始看見有朋友們，年輕結婚，或已經訂了婚，因為小事，因為外遇，也是不愉快，有的結不成婚，有的要離婚，好像證明我年輕時對婚姻的不信任感，看起來像一個又一個的惡夢…
對我現在來說，be merry比be married還要重要多了，還是希望可以轟轟烈烈、認認真真的談戀愛，如果繼續走下去，那是最完美的，但我不奢求，畢竟我沒有太多可以給的，除了我自己…
6/27/2006
6/24/2006
SFO a few months later...
Here I am, 8 months later, 8 months older, travelling on the same highway from SFO to Santa Clara. An interesting day it has been, delayed flight, cramped seat, between meals, talked to you...
Only 8 months ago, I thought I was in love, only 1 month ago, I thought I was in love again. It hasn't been easy... seeing you being happy with someone else, but it has to be, as it has always been...
On the lonely road in the middle of nowhere, I thought about you, where the road could have led to, I thought about the things you said, the things I might have said, it hasn't been easy... wishing you happy with someone else, but it has to be, as it has always been...
I wish I can be the childish me, telling you to stay, but instead, I wish you well, in the city of Santa Clara, I wish you joy, under the starless cloudless sky, I wish you nothing more and nothing less than what you wish for, as always, only in SFO, only a few weeks later, only a few months later...
Only 8 months ago, I thought I was in love, only 1 month ago, I thought I was in love again. It hasn't been easy... seeing you being happy with someone else, but it has to be, as it has always been...
On the lonely road in the middle of nowhere, I thought about you, where the road could have led to, I thought about the things you said, the things I might have said, it hasn't been easy... wishing you happy with someone else, but it has to be, as it has always been...
I wish I can be the childish me, telling you to stay, but instead, I wish you well, in the city of Santa Clara, I wish you joy, under the starless cloudless sky, I wish you nothing more and nothing less than what you wish for, as always, only in SFO, only a few weeks later, only a few months later...
6/22/2006
Please forgive me...
If you ask me, who is my favourite Canadian singer, there are quite a few choices, Michael Buble, Nelly Furtado, Diana Krall, Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion, Shania Twain... But, without a second thought, I would say "Bryan Adams".
Every since high school, I have been listening to Bryan, good old songs like "summer of '69", "All for one", newer songs like "cloud #9", "let's make a night to remember", every song brings back some memory, somehow, his songs were always there, playing in the background.
He always has this casual attutide towards his music, you would see him in old jeans in his concerts or even in his own music videos. To me, that is canadian music, that is canadian, non-pretentious and passionate, kinda like me...
One song I love the most, is "Please forgive me"...
Please Forgive Me
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on
So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...
With his rugged voice and mellow rock music. The somewhat sisi song begging for love actually worked. In the music video, there was no story, just a camera following a dog while it is wondering around in the stuido when Bryan and his band is performing the song. Very Bryan...
Towards the end of the song, it turns into this soft rambling... Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you...
This song was always there, everytime I fell in love...
Every since high school, I have been listening to Bryan, good old songs like "summer of '69", "All for one", newer songs like "cloud #9", "let's make a night to remember", every song brings back some memory, somehow, his songs were always there, playing in the background.
He always has this casual attutide towards his music, you would see him in old jeans in his concerts or even in his own music videos. To me, that is canadian music, that is canadian, non-pretentious and passionate, kinda like me...
One song I love the most, is "Please forgive me"...
Please Forgive Me
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on
So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...
With his rugged voice and mellow rock music. The somewhat sisi song begging for love actually worked. In the music video, there was no story, just a camera following a dog while it is wondering around in the stuido when Bryan and his band is performing the song. Very Bryan...
Towards the end of the song, it turns into this soft rambling... Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you...
This song was always there, everytime I fell in love...
6/18/2006
後來...
辛苦熬了一年，終於把青商會傳承下去。
吵雜的餐廳中，算是人生的另一個階段的開始，事實上，心情有些激動，事實上，很希望有些人目睹我的卸任，事實上，好像沒什麼大不了...
找了藉口，離開了晚上的第二攤，覺得應該讓他們聊聊，我好像應該想想後來該如何...
後來
後來 我總算學會了 如何去愛
可惜你 早已遠去 消失在人海
後來 終於在眼淚中明白
有些人 一旦錯過就不再
梔子花 白花瓣 落在我藍色百褶裙
「愛你」 你輕聲說
我低下頭 聞見一陣芬芳
那個永恆的夜晚 十七歲仲夏 你吻我的那個夜晚
讓我往後的時光 每當有感嘆
總想起 當天的星光
那時候的愛情 為什麼就能那樣簡單
而又是為什麼 人年少時
一定要讓深愛的受傷
在這相似的深夜裡 你是否一樣 也在靜靜追懷感傷
如果當時我們能 不那麼倔強
現在也 不那麼遺憾
你都如何回憶我 帶著笑或是很沉默
這些年來 有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
永遠不會再重來
有一個男孩 愛著那個女孩
事實上劉若英的聲音並不好聽，但歌詞卻讓懷舊的我有許多感觸...
過去的一年，真的很開心，認識了許多朋友，一起工作的感覺，不帶勾心鬥角，不計較功勞，真的非常謝謝你們的照顧!
最近久沒見的高中同學，都說我一點都沒變，聽了有些氣餒，以為經歷幾年至少有變成熟，變帥吧? 幾個月沒見的朋友卻說，我看起來很累，我想是裡裡外外都累了，但還有很多東西想做，是該放給合適的人做的時候了...
不知為什麼，想起了那個獨立的女孩，獨立到完全不需我的存在，她唱過這首歌給我聽，如果妳看見，妳覺得我有變嗎?
吵雜的餐廳中，算是人生的另一個階段的開始，事實上，心情有些激動，事實上，很希望有些人目睹我的卸任，事實上，好像沒什麼大不了...
找了藉口，離開了晚上的第二攤，覺得應該讓他們聊聊，我好像應該想想後來該如何...
後來
後來 我總算學會了 如何去愛
可惜你 早已遠去 消失在人海
後來 終於在眼淚中明白
有些人 一旦錯過就不再
梔子花 白花瓣 落在我藍色百褶裙
「愛你」 你輕聲說
我低下頭 聞見一陣芬芳
那個永恆的夜晚 十七歲仲夏 你吻我的那個夜晚
讓我往後的時光 每當有感嘆
總想起 當天的星光
那時候的愛情 為什麼就能那樣簡單
而又是為什麼 人年少時
一定要讓深愛的受傷
在這相似的深夜裡 你是否一樣 也在靜靜追懷感傷
如果當時我們能 不那麼倔強
現在也 不那麼遺憾
你都如何回憶我 帶著笑或是很沉默
這些年來 有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
永遠不會再重來
有一個男孩 愛著那個女孩
事實上劉若英的聲音並不好聽，但歌詞卻讓懷舊的我有許多感觸...
過去的一年，真的很開心，認識了許多朋友，一起工作的感覺，不帶勾心鬥角，不計較功勞，真的非常謝謝你們的照顧!
最近久沒見的高中同學，都說我一點都沒變，聽了有些氣餒，以為經歷幾年至少有變成熟，變帥吧? 幾個月沒見的朋友卻說，我看起來很累，我想是裡裡外外都累了，但還有很多東西想做，是該放給合適的人做的時候了...
不知為什麼，想起了那個獨立的女孩，獨立到完全不需我的存在，她唱過這首歌給我聽，如果妳看見，妳覺得我有變嗎?
6/15/2006
十年
一九九六年的初夏，幾位在下課時間打了好多年撲克牌的高中朋友，打了最後一次大老二… 然後就好幾年沒再見了…
兩千零六年的初夏，蚊子回到溫哥華，四位久未見面的朋友又坐在一起…
蚊子、天豬、豬、小羊在本拿比的一間餐館回溯過去，兩個女生都沒有什麼變，兩個男生都發福了…
因為幾個人十年沒見了，輪流提供自己最新的訊息，一個在國外晃了一圈又回來，一個過去十年都在唸書，一個自大學畢業後都在同一個地方工作(雖然公司換了三次名字)，好像大家都繞了一個大圈圈回到原點…
當然，我免不了又問過去十年大家快不快樂? 大家都是有一點快樂，我說非常快樂，因為有機會經歷了許多…
不知為什麼，開始回憶起老師的名字，蚊子不愧為當年的老師寵物，不止記得許多ESL老師的名字，還知道哪些退休，哪些轉行，哪些仙逝了，說著說著，我提議回去學校走走…
真的有好多年沒回去了，學校建了新的校舍，但停車場、操場、側門、餐廳… 都沒有變… 我們走在校園的角落，一切都很像作夢，夢境不是很清晰，但場景和人物都是似曾相識…
隔著鐵門往裡看，熟悉的桌椅，熟悉的走廊，熟悉的Locker，熟悉的教室，彷彿可以看見自己和朋友坐在地上打牌，第一次上課背著背包迷惘的跟著人群，彷彿可以看見自己第一次嚐到失戀的滋味，痛苦的一個人坐在走廊邊，彷彿…
天豬說好像學校的樹都沒有長大，我也覺得我們好像也都沒有長大，停留在最青澀的那一刻，擔心考試，擔心明天，等著下課，等著打球… We have changed, but we are still the same…
不知道誰突然問，如果有選擇，會選擇回到學生年代嗎?
不會，十年前高中那個青澀純真的年代，有美麗、有痛苦的回憶，但它只適合作回憶，因為我們還會有更多的回憶，不是嗎?
兩千零六年的初夏，蚊子回到溫哥華，四位久未見面的朋友又坐在一起…
蚊子、天豬、豬、小羊在本拿比的一間餐館回溯過去，兩個女生都沒有什麼變，兩個男生都發福了…
因為幾個人十年沒見了，輪流提供自己最新的訊息，一個在國外晃了一圈又回來，一個過去十年都在唸書，一個自大學畢業後都在同一個地方工作(雖然公司換了三次名字)，好像大家都繞了一個大圈圈回到原點…
當然，我免不了又問過去十年大家快不快樂? 大家都是有一點快樂，我說非常快樂，因為有機會經歷了許多…
不知為什麼，開始回憶起老師的名字，蚊子不愧為當年的老師寵物，不止記得許多ESL老師的名字，還知道哪些退休，哪些轉行，哪些仙逝了，說著說著，我提議回去學校走走…
真的有好多年沒回去了，學校建了新的校舍，但停車場、操場、側門、餐廳… 都沒有變… 我們走在校園的角落，一切都很像作夢，夢境不是很清晰，但場景和人物都是似曾相識…
隔著鐵門往裡看，熟悉的桌椅，熟悉的走廊，熟悉的Locker，熟悉的教室，彷彿可以看見自己和朋友坐在地上打牌，第一次上課背著背包迷惘的跟著人群，彷彿可以看見自己第一次嚐到失戀的滋味，痛苦的一個人坐在走廊邊，彷彿…
天豬說好像學校的樹都沒有長大，我也覺得我們好像也都沒有長大，停留在最青澀的那一刻，擔心考試，擔心明天，等著下課，等著打球… We have changed, but we are still the same…
不知道誰突然問，如果有選擇，會選擇回到學生年代嗎?
不會，十年前高中那個青澀純真的年代，有美麗、有痛苦的回憶，但它只適合作回憶，因為我們還會有更多的回憶，不是嗎?
6/13/2006
When did you?
I had a chance to go down to the states for a buddy's MBA graduation, it was a great chance to get away...
During the prolonged ceremony and between speeches, I found myself wondering outside of the theatre. In the hall way, there were two kids running around at full speed, chasing each other. An attendent went over and asked them to walk instead of running. Of course, her request was promptly ignored.
But...
When did you learn to walk instead of running?
When did you learn to cry instead of laughing?
When did you learn to lie instead of telling the truth?
When did you learn to walk away instead of fighting?
When did you learn to let go instead of holding on?
When did you start clapping instead of jumping for joy?
When did you start talking instead of listening?
When did you start to be dissatisfied instead of being contented?
When did you learn to hate instead of to love?
When did you start to walk instead of running?
During the prolonged ceremony and between speeches, I found myself wondering outside of the theatre. In the hall way, there were two kids running around at full speed, chasing each other. An attendent went over and asked them to walk instead of running. Of course, her request was promptly ignored.
But...
When did you learn to walk instead of running?
When did you learn to cry instead of laughing?
When did you learn to lie instead of telling the truth?
When did you learn to walk away instead of fighting?
When did you learn to let go instead of holding on?
When did you start clapping instead of jumping for joy?
When did you start talking instead of listening?
When did you start to be dissatisfied instead of being contented?
When did you learn to hate instead of to love?
When did you start to walk instead of running?
6/07/2006
一年換十年的愛情…
昨天晚上，出外透透氣，見見有陣沒碰面的朋友，順便幫她慶生，在酒精微薰的情況下開車回家，半路上，朋友打電話來，問我最近如何，我覺得十分窩心，因為她再30分鐘就生日了，還關心我過得好不好。
我老實跟她說不怎麼好，但會過去的。倒是她讓我擔心，聊了一下感情事，我不禁要問，到底什麼愛情才是值得? 對妳最好? 最愛妳? 讓妳最開心? 讓妳最有安全感? 有共同的未來? 我想大部分的人因該會選以上其中一個答案…
但說真的，妳現在的選擇真的是以上的其中一個嗎? 是值得的愛情嗎?
以前有一個客戶，我從來沒見過，聽我同事說，他幾年前得了Alzheimer，俗稱的老人癡呆症，長期住在療養院，所以他的事情，通知夫人就可以了。我看看夫人的名字，居然姓不同，一個八十歲的老先生，一個七十歲的老太太，為什麼有不同的姓?
我特地去客戶家裡見這位老太太，她提到他先生，他們的故事…
有正統牛津腔的老太太是德國人，第二次世界大戰時在奧地利學英文，認識她的前夫，他前夫是有愛爾蘭血統的英國大兵，戰後就隨他到英國，然後是加國…
他們結婚幾十年後，先生過世了，當時鄰居也是喪偶多年，兩人就互相照顧，這鄰居年輕時也打過二戰，還是加拿大歷史上第一位飛行有雷達飛機的技師，這位技師，就是她現在長住療養院的丈夫。
那她的姓呢? 為什麼沒有跟夫姓? 她說那是她前夫的姓，她跟她現在的丈夫結婚不到一年，就發現有輕微的老人癡呆症，然後慢慢的惡化，直到需要住療養院，她天天照三餐去療養院餵他吃飯，已經五年了…
她說著就露出了微笑，「他今天不錯哦，他今天記得我哦…」 我問她，那不好的時候呢? 「不好的時候，看我就好像看陌生人一樣…」綠色的瞳孔充滿了憂傷…
我聽的好感動，我之前的工作經驗告訴我，老人癡呆症平均壽命是十年，我想這老太太也知道這個數據。但他們才結婚一年，她為什麼可以為一個漸漸把她當陌生人的人，犧牲她自己沒剩幾年的人生? 尤其是一個她深愛的人，她怎麼忍心去天天面對他? 看他在自己面前慢慢消失?
當然，我不忍問她，但她的笑容，「他今天不錯哦…」，答案已經很明顯在表情、言語中…
她用十年的生命去陪伴、去愛一位只有當她一年的丈夫，從不問值得，如果這不是真愛，什麼是真愛?
我老實跟她說不怎麼好，但會過去的。倒是她讓我擔心，聊了一下感情事，我不禁要問，到底什麼愛情才是值得? 對妳最好? 最愛妳? 讓妳最開心? 讓妳最有安全感? 有共同的未來? 我想大部分的人因該會選以上其中一個答案…
但說真的，妳現在的選擇真的是以上的其中一個嗎? 是值得的愛情嗎?
以前有一個客戶，我從來沒見過，聽我同事說，他幾年前得了Alzheimer，俗稱的老人癡呆症，長期住在療養院，所以他的事情，通知夫人就可以了。我看看夫人的名字，居然姓不同，一個八十歲的老先生，一個七十歲的老太太，為什麼有不同的姓?
我特地去客戶家裡見這位老太太，她提到他先生，他們的故事…
有正統牛津腔的老太太是德國人，第二次世界大戰時在奧地利學英文，認識她的前夫，他前夫是有愛爾蘭血統的英國大兵，戰後就隨他到英國，然後是加國…
他們結婚幾十年後，先生過世了，當時鄰居也是喪偶多年，兩人就互相照顧，這鄰居年輕時也打過二戰，還是加拿大歷史上第一位飛行有雷達飛機的技師，這位技師，就是她現在長住療養院的丈夫。
那她的姓呢? 為什麼沒有跟夫姓? 她說那是她前夫的姓，她跟她現在的丈夫結婚不到一年，就發現有輕微的老人癡呆症，然後慢慢的惡化，直到需要住療養院，她天天照三餐去療養院餵他吃飯，已經五年了…
她說著就露出了微笑，「他今天不錯哦，他今天記得我哦…」 我問她，那不好的時候呢? 「不好的時候，看我就好像看陌生人一樣…」綠色的瞳孔充滿了憂傷…
我聽的好感動，我之前的工作經驗告訴我，老人癡呆症平均壽命是十年，我想這老太太也知道這個數據。但他們才結婚一年，她為什麼可以為一個漸漸把她當陌生人的人，犧牲她自己沒剩幾年的人生? 尤其是一個她深愛的人，她怎麼忍心去天天面對他? 看他在自己面前慢慢消失?
當然，我不忍問她，但她的笑容，「他今天不錯哦…」，答案已經很明顯在表情、言語中…
她用十年的生命去陪伴、去愛一位只有當她一年的丈夫，從不問值得，如果這不是真愛，什麼是真愛?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)