My grandma and my son

This week marks two special occasion, my son is almost 3 and my grandma has passed away for almost a year. 

Time flies, and when time flies, I realize how much things have stayed the same.  I am still working in the same office, looking for growth, worrying about revenue, still being stingy with money.

But time flies especially with a kid, seeing him babbling, smiling, waddling, walking, talking and trying to tell a story while time just wheezing by.

I can only cling on with my iphone, taking thousands of pictures and videos, keeping any reminders of today while knowing that one day not too far from now, my kid will stop being cute and start being someone he wishes to be.

Then I remember the time we took our son to see his great grandpa.  In his wheelchairs, he smiled at my son, like seeing there is a hope, a future, something precious something that reminded him of better days, yesterdays far away, yet those were the things he probably remembered the best.

The day I saw my grandma for the last time, she was lying in a small coffin.  She looked so little, so skinny.  It was hard for me to accept that she was my grandma, she didn't even look like her.  Maybe it was years of suffering that really changed how she looked.  Or maybe she had stayed in her 60s in my mind, she never changed in my mind.

Who knows when I will be seeing my grandpa for the last time.  I am glad we spent the time even for a few hours.  More glad I was, spending days with my own father and my son.  Dad definitely took a liking for the little guy, and the little guy would take advantage of that and asked my dad to carry him around.

All these will be memories of today, while trying to hold on to what we have today, we are still looking back and marveling our journey.  When turning around, tomorrow is staring us in the eyes, we put one hand to hold on to our photo album and the other hand to push forward.  Until.  Until the day when emptiness sweeps us away, leaving nothing behind.  Maybe a few min in your kid's head every year, and that's probably worth it.

阿嬤 Grandma

今天早上四點多被胖胖的碎碎念聲音吵醒, 進去房間看他在做什麼, 原來是想喝水, 給了他水, 他倒頭又睡了.  看了看手機, 爸爸傳來訊息是阿嬤病危進加護病房.

頓時想起了很多, 小時很黏阿嬤的, 聽說有大半年是在嘉義和阿公阿嬤生活, 整天黏著阿嬤, 連上廁所都要跟. 我小時候阿嬤對我說過什麼, 現在都不記得了, 現在只記得說過要買敞篷車載阿嬤, 她就很開心的說孝順.

阿嬤是個標準的客家女性, 刻苦耐勞, 一直說自己國語不好, 台語不好, 常常說自己什麼都不會.

她是很疼我的, 但有兩次印象深刻,

一次是她上台北找我和弟弟, 晚上胃痛, 痛得彎了腰, 忍耐的不發出聲音, 我雖然注意到了, 我什麼都沒有做, 還假裝沒發現.

另一次是她參加團到溫哥華看我們, 我和弟弟去旅館找她, 見到沒幾分鐘就急著要四處周圍走走, 她拉著我的手, 好像有很多話想說但沒說出口, 我也假裝沒發現.

以前在台灣的時候, 每年過年都會回嘉義, 但出國後, 機會就少了, 雖然每次回去都會去嘉義, 一開始還會住一個晚上, 後來就只有待幾個小時.

阿嬤總是會問有沒有賺多少錢,存多少錢, 媽媽在國外有沒有開心, 要孝順.

後來, 阿嬤年紀大了, 要開始洗腎, 跟了她去了一次診所, 才發現她真的老了, 以前小時候她一定會染黑的頭髮變全白變稀疏, 變得好瘦, 腰也直不起來

問過爸爸為什麼阿嬤要洗腎, 爸爸說她喜歡亂買藥吃, 吃壞身體.

後來她身體越來越不好, 幾次電話或視訊都感覺她神智不清楚, 她也九十多歲了, 去年初趁胖胖一歲, 帶他去給阿公阿嬤抱抱, 去了幾個小時, 兩個老人家也是累了, 下午沉沉的睡去, 真正有跟胖胖相處的時間也是不多.

五點多, 爸爸傳來訊息, 阿嬤過世了, 我問爸爸還好吧, 他說還好, 只是有點突然, 我想起阿嬤第一次看到胖胖的神情, 我哭了...

Being Dad

Never thought this might be an easy job.  Never thought why I should be a dad someday.  In fact, in my twenties, I have always resist the idea of becoming a dad one day.  Its just too much responsibilities.  Plus, I hadn't seen my dad much since age 14, I was not sure what kind of dad i should be one day.

And then, things changed, friends started to have kids, and I thought maybe one day I could be a dad.

Then, I am a dad.

Watching my son growing has been a wonderful journey so far, although its still early in the game.

I still wonder why anyone would become a parent.  Not that it is a bad thing.

What do we see in our kids anyways?  Maybe my son is a time machine, he will take me back to the time I barely remember, do (or not do) the things I regretted doing, relive the things I loved so much.

Maybe my son fulfills that void I feel when I think about death and after life.  Knowing that my son will carry my DNA when my conscience is gone from this world into the vastly emptiness.

Maybe my son fills the need for me to feel that my life is progressing somewhere when my social and work life seems to settle down much.

Maybe my son serves as an anchor, settles me down wherever I go.

My mother always said "you will understand when you become a parent one day", after she dished out some kind of punishment.  I still don't understand what she meant, maybe its still early in the game.

Its like a dream

It was like a dream, one day I wake up, there is a crying baby in the other room. 

Haven't even set the goals for 36, and here we are after 37, with a baby.  What is there to set as goals?  No time for me to think.

The fast forward button has been pressed, and there is no pause.  It will be painful and it will be exciting, and the best is yet to come.

If its a dream, either good or bad, I don't want to wake up yet.

Being a dad

Ms cake is having a boy, it came with certain joy and dread.

When growing up in taiwan, my father has been somewhat invovled.

I remember him taking my brother and I to hiking.
I remember train rides from grandparents house and he was really patient with me being annoying, crying about being hungry the whole 4 hours. 
I remember my father cried because I stole. 
I remember my father hit me when I did poorly in class exams.
I remember the nights when I couldn't sleep because of nightmares, I crawled out my bunk bed and looked at my father a room away, I saw him dozing off while reading newspaper at his desk, I would whisper "dad", hoping he could hear me.

Then, I moved to Canada.

I remember his care package, filled with computer gaming magazines, and other stuff, every month.  Sometimes written letters from him.

For the most part of teenage years and adulthood, my father hasn't been around.

That is the part that worries me.  If ms. cake is having a girl, it will be a fresh start, I wouldn't know how to be a dad to a girl anyways.  With a boy, however, I worry.  I worry that what the relationship I have with my dad will be there between my boy and me...

I don't know Gino

Gino Odjick has recently been diagnosed with a terminal heart condition, and he might have only a few weeks left.  The support from public has been nothing short of amazing.  Hundreds of fans actually went to the hopsital and chatted Gino.

I have to say, I don't know Gino at all.  Back in 1990, when he was drafted, he wasn't the scoring winger, not the defenseman, but an enforcer.  Someone who has to start and finish fights.  Someone who requires the least skill as a hocky player to win games.  Enforcers are also known to be itimitating assholes, their fists usually earn most of their NHL salaries.

Gino, like other enforcers, were feared on the ice, became good buddy with Pavel Bure (who I actually recognise).  Unlike most enforcers, or Pavel in most cases, he is said to be a person with great heart off the ice.

He spends lots of time in the community where he came from, never forgetting his aboriginal root.  He is loved by most reporters because he is polite and bilingual. 

To this day, not many people can hear their names been chatted in a hockey game.  In Gino's case, it was extra special, because he is not an amazing hockey player.  Fans chatted Gino because he is an amazing person...

鋼筆

我現在手上有一隻ebay買的鋼筆, 仿Montblanc的starwalker, 才六塊加幣, 另外又買了六塊加幣的墨水, 這一切都是滿足我年輕時的回憶.

在出國前, 我是台灣的國中生, 每天就是上課下課, 考試又考試, 無聊得很, 同學有天帶了支鋼筆來學校. 那個同學是個品學兼優的好學生, 寫的一手好字, 當然, 我就有了喝劉德華代言的茶會比較帥的心態, 被這新奇的玩意給吸引.  雖然鋼筆已經沒有幾十年前高貴, 但對只有不太多零用錢的我, 幾百塊錢台幣的原子筆代用品真的很高貴.

於是我常常趁晚自習之前的晚餐時間, 在學校附近, 夜市裡的金石堂閒逛, 看那其實也不是名牌, 但也是擺在玻璃櫃裡的鋼筆們.

終於有一天, 鼓起了勇氣, 買了一隻非常陽春的鋼筆, 不銹鋼筆身, 細細長長比較像原子筆, 要嫁好像是八九百元.

鋼筆其實沒原子筆好寫, 墨水麻煩, 又容易壞, 不耐摔, 但寫出來的字跡有鋼筆的特色, 墨水隨筆畫有深有淡.

我開始練習用鋼筆寫字簽名, 還為了省墨水錢, 自己買大瓶的墨水慢慢用, 還調配紫色的墨水來用.  寫了一陣子的鋼筆, 我的字還是很醜, 現在有像手上中國製的超便宜鋼筆, 鋼筆也不稀奇了, 但我永遠記得在金石堂買我第一支鋼筆的感覺, 第一次握在手中直到他發燙的溫暖.

Bye bye dear old friend

Toby was my roommate for 7 years, I have seen her been good, been bad, and got old.  Cannot believe she is that old now.

I remember the time she hangs out with me in the living room, watching tv with me, bugging me by pushing my shoulder with her paws.  I didn't know back then she needed to go out of the house to pee.

Then, there was the howling before meals.  She was chubby, so she was not allowed to eat alot, but she ate fast, licked her bowl clean.

There was the time when we found a nest of young birds dropped from our roof.  We syringe fed each of them until they were big enough to fly out.  None of them came back to visit us, except the youngest one. 

One day we saw the young bird sitting in the lawn waiting for us to see it.  And then Toby went after the bird.

Maybe Toby was trying to play with the bird, maybe it was her hunting natural.  Either way, the young bird was a dead bird after a few hours of suffering after we rescued it from Toby's paws.

I remember how Toby ungracefully dragged her ass on carpet, I remember how every time I tried to take her out for a walk she would aimlessly walk in front behind besides me, sniffing everything around her like it was the first time she went for a walk.  She was a tough dog to walk.

I think I am going to miss her.

Time really really flies...

It felt like yesterday, when Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal.  I looked down from a second floor pub at a Sunday noon.  People came out of their houses and filled the streets.

They chanted "go canada go", they sang Oh Canada. 

It was 2010, and I remembered asking myself why we don't see that in Taiwan?  Why is there always political fighting, why is there always blue and green. 

Its 2014 now, with winter olympics on TV, still the same situation, seeing news of taiwanese tourists misbehave in Japan airport.  It makes me wonder, where is Taiwan heading to?

老男人

兩個年過三十五的老男人, 座在漁港旁的咖啡廳, 聊政治, 談經濟, 小孩, 房子, 車子, 工作, 聊著聊著, 時間又過了大半天, 我們都還有多少過去的回憶, 有多少未來的夢想?

為什麼

小時候總會問為什麼, 為什麼天是藍的, 為什麼要睡覺, 為什麼念書, 為什麼要聯考, 長大了還是問為什麼, 為什麼要考駕照, 為什麼要喝酒, 為什麼要結婚.  可以想像問為什麼的同時, 腦中有不同的想法, 眼裡有被啟發的渴望.

直到有一天, 發現自己已經不再問為什麼, 接受社會就是這樣, 人就是這樣, 天空就是藍的...

Birthday goals 36

When I started this blog back in 2005, one of the first things I have done was the 5 year goals and 1 year goals.  I think I need to set another set of goals before I hit 40...

There was a time

There was a time when one was young and restless, believing everything is possible.  Then he grows up with people telling him what is not possible, and showing him the limitations.

Then he transforms, from a bouncy bird just learnt how to fly, exploring the world.  One day, he is an old rooster.  

Where were you at 25?

I went out with Ms cake's UBC friends last weekend.  They were all Ms cakes's age all in their late 20s.  One girl complained about her boyfriend in his 25, she said he doesn't know what he wants to do in life yet.

Then, one girl turned to me and asked me, "what were you doing when you were 25?"

25, that was 10 years ago, I was still working in Manulife, my first job, maybe promoted to be a marketing specialist.  Have I had my 30k annual income yet?  Cant remember.

25, where was I in life?  I was involved in a lot of community works, TYPEABC, emceeing at Taiwanese Cultural Fesival.  I might be in my second relationship.

25, I was stuck in a career mud, the job didn't pay well, I wasn't learning much.  But I had fun going to clubs, owning my first car, living with roommates.

I was a man not ready to be a man when I was 25, like my friend said back then, I was too young to know everything, but not too old to learn.

25, it was a good age.

"Marry You" - Bruno Mars

It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go oh oh oh,
No one will know oh oh oh,
Oh, come on, girl.
Who cares if we're trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow oh oh oh,
Shots of patron,
And it's on, girl.

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we'll go, go, go, go-go.
If you're ready, like I'm ready.

Cause it's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

I'll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So what you wanna do?
Let's just run girl.

If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool.
No, I won't blame you;
It was fun, girl.

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we'll go, go, go, go-go.
If you're ready, like I'm ready.

Cause it's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

[x2:]
Just say I doooooo-ooo uhu,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby, baby.

Oh, it's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Saying goodbye

We have never been taught how to say goodbye.  But I have been doing a lot of that lately.

With family and friends from oversea for our big day, I have to send them away one by one.  Goodbye to good friends and family always happen very sudden.  It is like stopping in mid sentence.

You are not sure where to start again, so you just nod, wave, and say your goodbyes.  Looking at their faces, you sudden realize that they came for you, but there is very little you can do to have them around forever.

Same with saying goodbye to my youth, my single life.  It just happened, no preparation, no warnings...

Life is unpredictable

I have met Kevin a few times, but I don't know Kevin well.  He was a chiropractor, kind of quiet, reserve, but very helpful.  When I got in a car accident, he msg ms. cake regarding things I should  be careful with.  He was one of the few good men.

He was married last year, being 3 years young than me.  It was a shock to learn that he had suffered a heart attack while napping last Sunday and passed away.

The news spread fast, and condolences streams in on his Facebook account.  I learnt that he was a baseball player on weekends, a very good shortstop, and obviously loved by many.

It sucks that I got to know him better after he passed away.

Kevin, I wish I had known you better when you were around.  But your story told me a good lesson.  Enjoy life and be good to people around you...

人生旅途

早上四點半, 剛從台灣回來怎麼樣都睡不著. 很多感覺就趁精神脆弱的時候冒了出來. 

這次回去是爲了拍婚紗及訂婚, 有很多人沒見, 有很多地方沒去, 有很東西沒吃, 但天氣太熱, 什麼事都不想做, 還來一個發高燒, 還因為高燒這輩子第一次打點滴. 

感觸最深的還是遇到的人與事, 在往台北的路上遇到從美國OREGON, 第一次到台灣玩的美國妹, 對台灣有極大的興趣. 

過了兩天, 吃早餐遇到從尼加拉瓜來台灣三年的生意人, 談到在台灣做生意的甘苦, 他說台灣人做生意就只有在比價錢, 看誰比較便宜. 

見到兩個成家的好朋友, 雖然都一樣, 但都表現成熟的多, 對自己與未來的多少有點把握. 到是見到了親戚, 一個個白頭, 年紀都大了, 尤其是祖母, 因為腎病, 瘦得都認不出來. 堂弟們好幾個結婚, 看伯母驕傲的樣子, 這就是長輩年紀大最在意的東西. 

與蛋糕姐姐家人相處, 開始了解家族的不同與習性. 很幸運的, 兩方家人都給予了許多的幫助. 有時想起, 父母都六十幾了, 我都三十多歲的人, 真不應該還要家人的幫助, 早該三十而立了.

 這旅途好像人生, 看到了各個人生的階段. 炎熱夏天的台北, 我已經很難體會小時後背著書包上課, 那是什麼感覺...

長輩請客

最近不知道為什麼,可能距離單身的結束日子近了,就對小時候的事情回憶的特別多. 

記得有年夏天的傍晚,非常炎熱,那時候與爸爸回家的路上,爸爸突然大發慈悲,說要請我飲料,我們家自小就不大讓小孩喝垃圾飲料,我當然興奮的選冰庫裡十五塊錢的罐裝汽水,而不是旁邊的十塊錢鋁箔包,結果爸爸就生氣啦,他雖然買單,但是就一路罵我浪費錢,什麼都不會,還選貴的飲料喝.我那汽水喝得非常難過,這堂請客並不代表可以選自己愛的東西的課一直印象深刻. 

有次,輪到我請我弟弟喝飲料,他也是選比較貴的飲料,我也是買單後罵了他一頓,現在想起來他那個委屈的表情,真是對不起他. 

但長大出了社會後,並不代表對長輩請客就真的摸得清楚狀況. 

有次,到南部看伯母,他平常非常節儉但破例帶我到西餐廳吃飯.伯母要請客,還非常建議我選套餐.我學乖了就選個最便宜的套餐,誰知道她竟然說她只要喝湯,還說她肚子很飽.這餐也是吃得渾身不自在,其實我知道她是好意,自己捨不得,就請我吃.現在想雖然很感動,但那時的感覺非常不好受,尤其套餐是從前菜一路吃到甜點,覺得自己好像很浪費.早知道就約在路邊攤,兩個人都可以吃得飽飽的. 

現在,我已經學會,長輩要請客,我絕對不會給意見點菜,要我吃什麼都可以.至於搶帳單,我道現在還是不會...

那些年做過的傻事...

昨天晚上終於給我看到九把刀的那些年, 看了以後很開心, 也有淡淡的惆悵. 蛋糕姐姐一直說看完覺得自己老了... 我倒覺得事完全屬於六年級的電影.

從考聯考, 張學友的吻別, 王祖賢的海報... 那就是年輕的我

1996年, 主角跟我一樣, 也是面對大學生活, 那種自己都搞不清楚, 酸味多過甜味的戀情. 從愛要到擁有, 直到愛要放棄... 那種成長, 就是我們那時的成長.

有時想起那個時候的自己, 真的很幼稚, 但也很純真, 真的很懵懂, 但也很開心, 對未來有點茫然, 但又不完全害怕. 做任何傻事也不用擔心後果, 或旁人的眼光.

看到主角高中畢業的那一幕, 讓我想到我參加自己小學畢業典禮後, 站在學校旁的十字路口, 很興奮, 也很徬徨, 有種空虛的充實感. 很有可能我們長大都會有的感覺.